


of phantasms and daydreams

by jadedgalaxies (Emeraldxoxo)



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Prophetic Dreams, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 15:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10947534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emeraldxoxo/pseuds/jadedgalaxies
Summary: Every night, Kamui is plagued by beautiful dreams of Nohrian and Hoshidian children and graphic nightmares of warfare and carnage. She must decide which family she will follow into war against the other and which set of children she is willing to sacrifice.





	of phantasms and daydreams

**Author's Note:**

> ahh people are probably sick of Kamuis being torn by the choice but i really wanted to write this anyways

_The dreams are getting worse_ , Kamui decides as she sits up and wipes her sweat drenched brow. She runs a clammy hand through sweat laden snow-white hair, chasing away the phantoms that linger on the edge of her memory. Her dreams swell with haunting images of warfare, the deaths of her siblings, the deaths of faces she cannot recognize and different sets of children that set her heart on edge.

Tonight, she has dreamt once again about two beautiful boys in Hoshidian kimonos, vibrant shades of blues and yellows that she rarely sees at the Northern Fortress. The boy in blue, whose startling shade of downy snow hair, is the older boy, missing his front tooth and swinging around in arms of his father who’s face Kamui can never see. The other boy, barely older than four, is curled up in her lap while she runs her fingers through his silver hair. She brushes the pink flower petal off her youngest son’s cheek before the dream ends. It’s a startling contrast to the other children dressed in Nohrian blacks that she dreams of.

Kamui kicks her legs free from tangled sheets, setting them down on the frigid stone floors. She lights a candle, hoping the light will expel the phantasms clinging to her memory. She casts away the deep feeling of loss she experiences after waking up without her imagined children.

The water is cold, a desperate relief for her parched throat that she sucks back. Against her best efforts, the Nohrian children creep into her thoughts, a boy with ivory curls pouting about the basic Nohrian slacks he’s dressed in and the blonde angel clinging to her neck. Once again, she cannot ever picture their father’s face but he feels more familiar to Kamui than the Hoshidian man.

When the images of imagined children fade, horrific scenes of carnage flash behind her eyelids and there isn’t enough candle light or water to purge the scenes from her mind.

* * *

 

"Milady, are you sure you are feeling alright?” Since the moment he found her asleep and shivering at her desk, Jakob has been fraught with worry. He fretted over her until Flora chased him from her room and Felicia gently helped her dress.

“I’m fine, Jakob, truly,” she says, the words heavy on her tongue. The huge black circles under her bloodshot ruby eyes exposed her pathetic lie but Jakob likely wouldn't be satisfied until he convinced her to retire to her bed earlier than usual.

Regardless of his worry, Jakob serves her tea, a calming blend of sweetness with the aftertaste of something a little more bittersweet that has tears wetting her lashes. She carefully dabs her eyes before Jakob can notice.

Flora enters the dinning chamber, bowed deeply at her waist against Kamui’s best insistence it wasn’t necessary, and straightens. “Lady Kamui, your siblings will be visiting today.”

Kamui smiles, masking it behind a mouthful of tea, looking forward to the distraction her siblings will bring. She hasn’t seen them for almost a month now, but the letters from Elise never fail to brighten her day. Flora tells her the details of what she’s learned, Xander will be training her the second he arrives and Camilla is planning a lavish picnic for them to go on. Leo mentioned chess and Kamui doesn’t need to hear from Flora to know that Elise will practically be plastered to her side the second she sees her.

She spends the rest of the morning in her battle armor, wandering the fortress aimlessly, thankful Lilith can pull her mind away from bloodshed and beautiful children. At noon, when her siblings arrive, Elise and Camilla hug her tightly, Xander makes his way to the training room and the slightly frosty greeting from Leo stabs her.

The training with Xander is exhausting but rewarding and she leaves with less bruises than normal and Xander’s praises trailing after her. Elise heals her bruises while Leo studies the chess board.

“You’ve improved,” he says, though reluctant, and her chest swells. “But I’m still better.” He smirks, the devious curl to his lips immediately crushing any pride Kamui had begun to feel and puts her in a checkmate three turns later.

Kamui pouts but it quickly gives way to a smile when she sees the bright expression on Leo’s face. She resets the board, ignoring the way Leo’s looking at her. Before they can get more than three moves in, Camilla bursts into the study, hauling Xander with her and their retainers loaded down with picnic baskets. They weren’t allowed to leave the Northern Fortress so Camilla brought them to the courtyard.

The afternoon passes in a blur, although it was the most fun Kamui’s had in a long time.

* * *

 

_An arrow flies through her chest –_ she wakes to the echoing sounds of children screaming. Kamui squeezes her eyes shut, touching the space between her breasts where she felt the arrow pierce her skin. The slight divot makes her shudder and she climbs out of bed. Fearing another scolding from Jakob, Kamui bundles up in a robe and makes for the library, smothering the persistent dream.

The library is illuminated in soft candle light, casting shaky shadows across the spines of worn books. She finds Leo tucked away in a cozy nook where he’s surrounded by piles of books and blankets. She wonders if Odin built his fort.

Leo glances up, thumbing the edge of his page. “What are you doing here, Sister?”

Kamui flushes. She folds her arms over her chest and shrugs, noncommittal. He arches a perfect blonde brow, his calculating brown eyes sweeping over her, taking in her sweaty brow, exhausted eyes and slight tremor to her spine. He opens his mouth but screws it shut a moment later. The silence stretches.

Leo sighs nosily through his nose and pushes a stack of books out of the way. Kamui flashes him a smile and hurries to settle next to her younger brother. He throws a blanket on her lap, like down feathers to the touch and she leans against his side. Leo doesn’t spare her a second glance, but Kamui suspects that even in the dim light, there is a dewy pink dusting his cheeks. His frame is more lithe than Kamui realized but there is a strength to him she was grateful for.

“Look at me, I’m your big sister and you’re comforting me,” she says, pulling the blanket to her chin. She wonders what animal’s pelt made this.

Leo shushes her and she giggles, feeling more relaxed than she ever has in her own bed. Kamui’s eyes flutter shut, the steady beat of Leo’s heart and the soft flick of page turning lulling her to sleep.

"Was it a nightmare?” he asks softly, just as she was on the cusp of sleep and Kamui hums her answer. He doesn’t say anything else and Kamui falls into a peaceful, warm, dreamless sleep. She wakes up with her head in Leo’s lap and laughs quietly when she notices his face is pressed awkwardly against the wall. He reminds her of the small blonde angel she dreamed about that night.

Kamui quells the thought.

* * *

 

Curling into a tight ball in the corner of the paper-walled room, Kamui buries her face against her knees. Her head is swimming. Everything she knows is a lie, her family is fake. Tears burn her eyes. She doesn’t know what to do.

The air in Hoshido is warmer, sweeter somehow – full of life. It’s a thousand times more welcoming than the oppressive air in Nohr yet she finds herself yearning for the only home she’s known.

These past few days have thrown Kamui emotions into the tumultuous wind and spat them back in her face. She was allowed out of the castle, almost killed, captured by Hoshido only to have her life turned upside down with the revelation that she was a Hoshidian princess.

Kaze appears before her, bowing deeper than Flora ever has and waits for her to acknowledge him. Kamui’s foreign kimono is tied messily and from the tint to Kaze’s cheeks, she’s exposing more of her body than she ever meant. She does her best to fix her kimono and dries her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Kaze – what is it?”

"Your mother sent me to inform you that dinner is ready,” he tells her, straightening but his eyes settle on the paper behind her head.

She doesn’t really want to go but going might help her sort out her feelings. Or make her more confused but she decides it’s better than wallowing in a foreign room in a foreign kingdom. Kaze summons a maid before he leaves her and within a matter of minutes, the kimono is properly around her. She’s led to the dining hall and meets the hostile glare of her younger brother. Aside from herself, Takumi is the only one in the dining hall.

Kamui touches the soft material of her borrowed kimono. His peculiar shade of silver hair makes her stomach knot. She swallows her unease and joins him at the furthest end of the table, although opposite of him, folding her legs underneath herself. When she doesn’t see a fork, any of the courage she had summoned dissipated.

She rolls the chopsticks between her fingers, wondering how to use them.

Takumi coughs into his hand, lifting his chin almost haughtily. Without a word, he picks up his chopsticks and uses them to pluck a single grain of rice from his bowl. Kamui’s jaw slackens, and for a moment, she forgets where she is.

“How do you do that?” she asks, her ruby eyes sparkling in childlike wonder.

Takumi snorts, mutters something under his breath and reaches over the low table to properly adjust the chopsticks in Kamui’s stiff grip. His fingers spark against her skin. “Would you relax already?” he snaps and if he wasn’t holding the chopsticks, they would have clattered against the table. Kamui takes a deep breath and clicks the chopsticks together. Mechanically, Kamui repeatedly clicks her chopsticks until Takumi is apparently satisfied with her progress. Her hand is shaking.

He doesn’t say anything else to her and the silence stretches, agonizing and reliving all at once. Ryoma joins them moments later, with Hinoka and Sakura on his tail. Sakura wilts against Takumi’s side, smiling shyly at Kamui from behind Takumi’s sleeve. Hinoka touches Kamui’s jaw lightly, the action reminiscent of something Camilla would do and it leaves a brutal ache in Kamui’s chest. Ryoma sings praises about Kamui’s skill with chopsticks.

“Takumi showed me,” Kamui tells him once her cheeks are unfairly flushed from Ryoma’s praise. Ryoma shifts his attention briefly to Takumi, who lights up like a humble man handed the universe, but his attention returns to Kamui moments later. Watching his face fall is like a punch to the gut and she hasn't the slightest clue why. Aside from the chopsticks, Takumi has been nothing but hostile towards her.

Perhaps she dwells on this too long as she misses most of what Ryoma tells her but she can’t shake the horrible feeling creeping up her spine when she looks at Takumi.

That evening, when she returns to her bare room, her stomach churning and aching (she found chopsticks nearly impossible to eat with), she wants nothing more than to sleep and wake back in Nohr. She curls her fingers into her kimono as she sinks into the futon. Her dreams will likely be a cruel juxtaposition of those phantom children she loves more than anything and her own death. Closing her eyes, Kamui prays for a dreamless night.

Her prayers are ignored. The Hoshidian children are back, weaving beautiful cherry blossoms through her tangle of snowy hair. Their laughter dances in the wind, airy and more beautiful than any music Kamui has ever heard. She feels the weight of their small bodies in her arms as she holds them tightly, feels the tickle of their messy hair against her cheeks. They smell like Hoshido, warm and lovely; it wraps around her and they feel so real in this moment that tears spring to her eyes.

She glances up, her heart pounding when she realizes their father is there. She cannot see his face but she smiles at him and a smile flashes back before he’s turned and is walking away. Each step he takes, the distance between them multiplies and the bright summer day fades to black. She tries to call out to him but the children in her arms sag and when she looks down, all she can do is scream.

Kaze is shaking her awake. The dream withers, falling into the black like the husband she had just dreamt of. She throws herself into Kaze’s arms, sobbing for the children she does not have and feels their loss like her heart has been torn from her chest. Kaze rubs circles on her back and Kamui does not sleep for the rest of the night.

* * *

 

Sneaking away from her room and Kaze proved to almost be more difficult than getting permission to leave the Nohr Fortress but Kamui found herself in a secluded area of courtyard. She has been in Hoshido for only four days and she feels more isolated than she did in Nohr. Ryoma, Hinoka and Mother have been nothing but welcoming but sometimes it feels as though they are doing it because they feel they have too. Sakura has warmed to her as well but Takumi remains distant. It reminds her of Leo.

_Leo_. Ever since she found out she was stolen from Hoshido, the blonde children she dreams of have begun to remind her more and more of Leo. She lets the delusion wane.

It’s only a matter of time before Kaze finds her. Kamui presses her clammy palms against her eyes, hard, until bright spots begin to dance across her lids. No matter where she looks, she’s haunted by the visions of Hoshidian children who die in her arms. The children who make her feel like she truly has a home to return too once this war ends and to have them ripped away from her even though they do not exist breaks her heart.

The Nohrian children are a separate matter.

"What are you doing here?” Takumi spits, stirring Kamui from her wallowing. He cuts a rather imposing figure, towering above her, the shadows cutting unsettling emotions across his handsome face. He’s shirtless, sweating and cautiously gripping his sacred weapon in front of him.

She blots her swollen cheeks with her sleeves. “Nothing.”

He scoffs. “Do you think I believe that, Nohrian Scum?”

Kamui says nothing. Why should he believe her? She has done nothing to gain his trust and perhaps he is the only sane Hoshidian sibling because of it.

At the very least he lowers his bow. Her kimono falls open a little at the bust, something she blames entirely on her incompetence.

“Are you running away?” he demands, his knuckles white around his bow. “Returning to Nohr, Scum?”

Kamui bites her lip. “Truthfully, I’m confused,” she admits and his grip on his bow slackens. “I miss my family –” the words feel strange – “but the thought of leaving Hoshido has my stomach in knots.” Kamui squeezes her eyes shut. “And I keep having these nightmares.”

When he doesn’t say anything, Kamui looks at him and it’s as though she shoved him back half a foot. His eyes are wild; his chest is heaving and his bow has fallen to the grass beside him.

“Takumi?”

“Don’t!” he snarls, sinking to his knees. He fists handfuls of grass, panting.

She knows he hates her but she flies to his side regardless, her fingers cool against his blazing skin. She’s frantic, pulling him into her arms with little resistance and he tumbles into her, an animalistic scream choking him.

Kamui is at a loss. Kaze barrels through the woods and immediately comes to the aid of the youngest prince.

He pries Takumi from Kamui’s arms and the moment he does, Takumi goes limp against him. His head lolls and Kamui gasps, covering her mouth with her hands.

“Is he okay?!” she demands, her legs trembling as she stands.

Kaze checks his pulse, relief flooding his face moments later. “Yes, he’s alright,” he says, a pinch to his eyebrows. “What happened?”

"I don’t know!” she cries, wishing Kaze would meet her gaze. “One moment we’re talking and the next he’s withering in pain.”

He doesn’t believe her. “Grab his bow and we’ll bring him to the infirmary.”

Kamui nods, seizing the bow. She almost drops it when it burns her skin where she holds it. She follows Kaze, her palms blistering.

* * *

 

_Stress_. The word rolls around in Kamui’s head as she pathetically wraps her blistered palms. That’s what Yukimura diagnosed Takumi with when Kaze hauled the prince into his office. Kamui said nothing about her hands when she left the bow with Takumi.

Mikoto kneels in front of Kamui, brushing her fingers along Kamui’s jaw. “Darling, is everything alright?”

Kamui hides her palms and nods. “Yes, mother,” she says. She hasn’t slept properly in weeks and the children she dreams of continue to haunt her waking hours.

She must be a horrible liar or the truth is too obvious on her face because Mikoto’s eyes soften. “Come to the village with me, darling. Take your mind off what’s bothering you.”

Kamui wants to reject her, since she barely knows this woman who claims to be her mother but the walls of the Hoshido castle are beginning to fold in on her. “Okay.”

The crowded streets part for Mikoto and Kamui’s mind keeps wandering. The streets of Nohrian cities are never this busy. She wants to cover her ears, the sweet laughter of children she dreams of grows louder like a roar in her ears. Glimpses of silver haired and blonde children flash through the swarm of people and Kamui finds herself reaching for them before she remembers they don’t exist.

Worry creases Mikoto’s brow.  

* * *

 

“Come back to us, Little Princess,” Xander commands, reaching for her. She meets Leo’s gaze behind the Crown Prince.

“You belong to us, Sister,” Ryoma interjects, pointing his sword towards Xander. Kamui’s gaze flickers to Takumi’s cold hazel eyes.

Kamui’s heart aches. After the loss of Mikoto, she’s completely bewildered about what to do. Nohr killed her mother but she loves her Nohrian family. Whatever Kamui choses to do, will the fallout be worth it?

Does she side with Nohr or does she side with Hoshido?

… Which children is she willing to give up…?

Kamui cuts little crescents into her blistered palms as she weighs her options. Which family will she follow into war against the other?

* * *

* * *

* * *

His tiny hands grasp fistfuls of Kamui’s hair as she holds him tightly against her breast. Her newly born second baby is everything she’d ever dreamt of, the small patch of hair on his head the exact shade of his father’s hair. His skin is so soft against hers, his warm small body a comfort she wishes to never forget.

He’s dozing, his breathing a little heavy, and Kamui soothes him back to sleep when he stirs by stroking his silky silver hair.

Takumi tiptoes into the room, Kiragi on his hip and he settles on the futon beside her. Kiragi clambers onto her lap. Kamui smiles warmly at her son and gently hands Kana to Takumi. His eyes glitter with wonderment and deep in her heart, Kamui knows she made the right choice. Kiragi hugs her.

She touches Takumi’s shoulder and he scoots closer, pressing his forehead against hers. His cheeks are flushed, but his face is relaxed, happy, with a beautiful smile on his face. Kiragi peeks at Kana, letting his baby brother grip his finger.

“Sister?”

Kamui glances up, smiling at her brother over Takumi’s shoulder. Leo’s son clutches his black slacks, hiding behind his father. His soft pink curls send a pang through Kamui’s chest but she smothers her thought before it can surface.

“Hey, Leo,” she says softly, holding Kiragi snugger against her. He giggles against her neck. “Is everything alright?”

He smiles. “Xander is just ready to move out when you are.” Leo nods towards Takumi who, for the most part, returns the gesture. “The Valla forces won’t wait forever.”

“They can wait one more day,” Takumi says.

Leo chuckles, arching his eyebrow. “Of course.” He bows slightly. “I’m glad he’s healthy, Sister.” He doesn’t wait for Kamui to say anything and corrals Forrest from the room.

Takumi kisses Kamui’s temple. “You don’t have nightmares anymore, do you?” he asks.

“No,” she answers immediately, resting her cheek against Kiragi’s downy hair. “Do you?”

Takumi shakes his head. “Not anymore, because of you and our sons.” He’s so gentle with Kana, so loving, that Kamui’s heart swells. “I love you, Kamui.”

She leans against his side. “I love you too, Takumi.” She closes her eyes. “Thank you, for everything.”

“I could say the same thing to you,” he mutters, a quiet laugh rumbles in his chest.

And although she has dreamt of her sons’ countless times before they were born, they are infinitely tangible than anything her imagination could have conjured. They are her everything and Kamui is so thankful for them and for Takumi.  

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed~!


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